Fear has many names, such as worry, stress, nervousness, and good old anxiety. All are forms of fear. In the modern world anxiety is usually seen as a problem. In some cases fear in any form can be problematic and sometimes downright debilitating. But in other cases it is a useful emotion that keeps us safe and happy. Our primative brains are designed to take over when we feel fear. A panic attack is just your brains way or fighting or fleeing a threat. In one instance the response is a problem and can be quite awful to experience. in another instance you have climbed a tree to prevent the wolves from attacking you. In modern times the traditional threats are not common. We do need to respond quickly to other threats though. House is on fire and you need to let fear help you deal with the situation. So why do we have so many issues related to fear now? Simply put fear is triggered by something, but the program response does not work. In traffic fear can overwelm you. But you can’t just hop out of the car on the highway and start running. What needs to be done is to help fear learn the correct response to the situation. If you have a complete lack of fear you would not get up to shower and start your day. Fear that we will not have food and shelter in the future keeps us going and hopefully in a productive way. Fear often is the driving force behind productivity. But the key is it needs to be just the right amount and creating the right behaviors. The modern challenge is how to help fear be an asset and not a detriment. Once we have had fear do the right behavior for our situation then we can feel safe and spend some time enjoying all that we have and have done. My job is to help people figure out how to do just that task.
Individual Differences and how they affect relationships
Individual differences and how they affect relationships is no doubt a subject for a whole book. But one does not need a book to begin to become more aware of how they are perceived and how others perceive them based on an inaccurate read of individual differences. It is understood that humans are mostly alike. It is also understood that we also have differences. The problem of course is knowing when we are like others and when we are not. The classic problem of assuming you understand the way someone thinks and feels has, and likely always will, continue to be one if not the most significant problems that individuals face in dealing with others in the world. Our first thought is usually to assume you know what someone thinks and feels. The first thought to view the world through our own lens and then assume others have the same lens is the major problem. Communication takes on an unprecedented level of importance when you begin to examine the likely magnitude of misunderstandings that go on between people. Factors like IQ, EQ, age, culture, religion, education, gender, life experiences, and personality to name some all combine to make each of us unique. Think about how we assume a person doesn’t care about doing a good job when we see them being slack at work. What if they are depressed? What if they are struggling in life? What if they are not well suited for the job? How can you know what is going on in someone else. You can’t. You might come closer if you talk with them at length. So if we are all unique then we don’t all want the same things. We don’t all feel the same way about certain things. I would suggest that a good start might be to do a free personality test online and see if the results ring true. It may help you see your own nature better. You could encourage people in your life to take the same test and then read each others results. If you realize that someone enjoys meeting new people and you don’t that might explain why at a party where you know the other people and your companion doesn’t it goes well. Flip it and it goes poorly. How many problems have arisen because we mistakenly have guessed what others are thinking and feeling? When you first understand that you are unique it makes it easier for you to recognize others are as well. Frankly humans need this diversity in order to cooperate as a society. Someone has to like to farm. Someone has to enjoy making things. Someone must be okay with taking care of others. Ask yourself the question how am I different and how am I the same as the people around me.
Anger and Anxiety are connected more than you think.
Anger and Anxiety share a lot more than just feeling words starting with the letter A. The connection to each other is so much more common than most people realize. First when you need to look closer at Anxiety. Anxiety is related to emotions like Worry, Apprehension, Concern, and Stress. All of these emotions are a form of Fear. Yes, so Fear is the root emotion for many of our more specific feelings. So what if Anxiety is a type of fear, how does that connect to Anger? Many people remember hearing in school that in times of Fear Humans and other animals will react to Fear with a Flight, Fight, or Freeze response. Well that middle emotion Fight is connected to Anger. Fight tells you to get worked up and do something to save you. Try to lift weights why you are laughing and watch as you don’t get anywhere. Then try when you are Angry. Your lifting results will be a whole lot more positive. The problem we have in the modern world is that the part of the brain that responds to Fear is not the part where any intelligent thought occurs. Sometimes we are lucky and are Fear response works for the situation and sometimes it does not. So in the United States our cultural response to Fear is Fight. This again as a country is a mixed blessing. The problem is that when Fear is caused by misunderstanding or exaggeration the Anger response we have will miss the spot. Since Fear and Stress are related it is easy to see how we might use Anger to try to respond to our emotions. We yell at our loved ones because we are feeling Stress. The primitive brain takes over and we do something that may somewhat help or Stress, but it hurts our relationship. So when you see Anger in someone you might want to ask yourself are they really feeling some sort of Fear.
Handheld Games: Bad Habit or Addiction
We live in a time where virtually everyone has played some game on a handheld device. I am sure very few people believe that sometimes children, and yes even adults, play more than is wise. Some disturbing truths about this relative new phenomenon need to be discussed. I believe the trouble begins with the formation of habits. Humans rely on good habits like teeth brushing and seat-belt use to ensure health and safety. We suffer through bad habits like eating the whole bag of potato chips without thinking, or having a drink to relax instead of going for a walk. So now what walks in our life is a device that has a number of positive uses, but also a number of negative uses. Notice now that people will pull out their device when idle for just a brief moment or two. This has become an automatic habit. Any habit it has varying degrees of strength. How often and how intense the habit has become is the issue. So a simple experiment to see how bad the habit may be is to remove the battery from the handheld device in the morning. Then carry the device around all day. Notice how often you pick it up and try to use it. Even though you should remember that it won’t work you will most likely automatically try to use it. If you can’t even make it throughout the day without putting the battery back in you may be beyond habit and into addiction. Just remember how overweight would you be if you walk around with your favorite food with you all day, every day. If you think the habit is too much for you or a member of your family you may need to ask for help. It is said that a fun and useful tool can bring with it something that can be so negative to our well-being.
Marriage success is understanding how your partner counter balances you
Marriages seem to succeed or fail based on an understanding of how partners balance out each other. The statement the opposites attract is not right, but it is not really wrong either. Couples seem to need their partners to have traits that they themselves don’t possess. But they can’t be true opposites. Core Values should be more or less the same. Life goals need to be achievable for both. Where you might find opposites would be in something like talkative and quiet. One partner might be carefree and the other disciplined. One might be a risk taker and the other risk adverse. If you think about how it would be to marry someone just like you I suspect you quickly determine that is would not be good at all.
Why do we need a counter balance. We all have traits that can be a bit extreme. In some situations life calls for the extreme, but it is rare. If our partner can keep us from going to far then we benefit. But what I often find is that the partner resents being counter balanced. This fact can lead to one of the most significant cause of marital strife. Simple put the Hunter needs to marry the Gatherer and vice versa. The Hunter being told to stay home because the home has enough meet can keep the Hunter from risking his/her health needlessly. But the Hunter being told to stay is often like a dog being told not to eat the food in the bowl. The urge to Hunt can be so strong the resentment can build. In the modern marriage we need to accept that as annoying as it may be to be pulled away from our more extreme traits it is necessary for overall life success.
Millennials not keen to drive
The Millennials are not in a hurry to drive. I have been working with teens for over 25 years now and a recent shift in the desire to drive has been perplexing me. I have seen driving age teens over the last few years not care about getting their license to drive. I have been wondering why. It is not fear of driving. It is not parental refusal to let them drive. It is not an amazing desire to ride their bikes everywhere and save the planet from pollution. I believe I have finally figure it out.
When I was a teen one of our main reasons to be able to drive was to meet up with our friends. For boys the phone was hardly used and for girls their use was often limited in order to keep the phone free for others use. Well the Millennials don’t need to drive because the meet their friends through technology that allows them to sit at home and become couch potatoes. Us adults have to accept the responsibility of inventing technology that has altered the social habits of our children. This of course adds to numerous problems such as teen weight gain, mood disturbance, poor social skills, poor communication skills, and the inability to connect at a deeper level with others. So when a teen is not interested in driving ask them if they want to be able to meet up with their friends. Bet they will look at you funny.
The Most Anxious Generation
According to a recent study the Generation now know as the Millennials are the most anxious in modern history. Now with all studies there can be much debate, so I will not defend the results. However , I will support the general conclusion. Individuals in their early 30’s all the way to the teens currently are among this group. This generation is growing up in the techno age. This age has its positives and negatives. But for my purposes I will focus on the negative effects that I believe have contributed to the high incidents of anxiety in the Millennials.
First is the need to be connected. This group is always reaching out and being reached by others. This creates increased sensory stimulus. The senses can’t tell the difference between stimulus that requires fight, flight, or freeze response or just plan data. The primitive brain goes on high alert. This pumps out chemicals that prepare the individual to deal with the situation. But wait there is no situation. Anxiety then happen under the surface influencing the individual in ways they may not even realize. This creates an assortment of problems. Digestive issues, eating issues, pain and fatigue just to name a few. Individuals need to be “off” some to relax and feel safe. The techno age makes this increasingly difficult.
Second reason falls on lack of appropriate social interaction. The Millennials text and tweet, and rarely talk to each other. And Face to Face time is way down. Eye contact is becoming a lost art to the Millennials. Humans communicate the most effectively face to face. The worst form is written. The irony that I am writing this does not escape me either. Without proper communication many Millennials misunderstand each other causing stress in their relationships with each other. This of course leads to more anxiety. The lost art of appropriate social interactions are causing them difficulties face to face, because they have far less practice with this skill than previous generations.
Third reason is a lack of understanding how to decrease anxiety. Coping strategies like meditation and exercise are not understood and utilized. Talking with others to decrease anxiety is also still a problem because of the poor social skills. Classes in Yoga and Meditation are popping up out of necessity. And of course preventing the triggers to anxiety all together escapes them.
Until the Millennials learn how to navigate the techno age effectively they will be destined to have increasing levels of anxiety. This is a much more serious issue than we might realize. Issues with Health and productivity will increase. The potential for violence increases as anxiety often lead to an aggressive response to the heightened fear state. I suggest we all take breaks from technology and relax. Spend some time actually talking face to face without interruptions. Your health and generally well-being is at stake.
Jeff Fry LCSW
Why getting diagnosed might make you feel good
Getting diagnosed with a problem is rarely seen as a good thing. In fact it is usually the opposite. When the diagnosis is physical that fact generally makes sense, but when it is a mental health diagnosis it actually can be good. What could I mean by that? A diagnosis implies illness and that is bad right? Not always and not completely. If you have the flu it would be difficult to see the positives. Maybe not having to go to work or school, but not much else. If you have been diagnosed with ADHD, OCD , or even depression there can be some positives. Essentially if you look at diagnosis as an illness then the negatives are the key, but if you see the diagnosis as an awareness of a person’s nature the positives are easier to explore. In the case of the ADHD individual they forget to get bread on the way home, but the hyper-focused at work in the Emergency Room and saved a life. Their ADHD actually made them better in the crisis. For OCD the need to triple check something saved the company thousands of dollars. If they hadn’t been OCD they might have missed it. Even the person with depression can be more empathetic to someone else’s feelings which can help both individuals. It is my belief that someone should learn how to use their natures to maximize their life satisfaction. If you understand your nature you are more likely to construct a life that works for you, not against. Society emphasizes how you don’t fit in the world. Instead let’s try to focus on creating a world that fits you.
Marijuana plus Alcohol can kill
Marijuana’s risks have been down played more and more over the last years, but one risk can be death if you mix it with Alcohol. Individuals who like the Marijuana for various reasons tend to minimize the negatives. Human nature does that. I like to eat cake so the calories aren’t that big of deal. I like to drive fast, but I am a good driver so it okay. Many examples could be given. But Marijuana and death is rarely considered. The problem as I see it relates to people forgetting one of the major “true” medical uses for Marijuana which is nausea control. When people go through chemotherapy a typical side effect is nausea and vomiting. Marijuana help with that which is great for them, but mix it with alcohol not so great. Simply put the reason people vomit when they have had too much to drink is that the body recognizes it is being poisoned and it gets rid of the poison by vomiting. Good job body. But people who use Marijuana and Alcohol together risk fatal poisoning. The brain may not be able to trigger the vomiting response that will save you. Alcohol essentially disrupts the brain’s ability to send signals. The more Alcohol the more disruption. At some point the signal to breath and to tell your heart to beat gets disrupted. This invariably will lead to death. So it is important for people to realize that any mind altering substance has some danger, but mixing Marijuana and Alcohol can be deadly.
Hi IQ and Depression Seem to go Together
I have worked with individuals with depression for most of my career. It has been fairly well established that I high IQ seems to come with an increased risk of a number of mental health issues. I have never heard any research that can definitively say why higher IQ’s seem to be linked with mental health issues, but various theories seem to have arisen. One theory is that higher IQ people’s brain is like a high performance vehicle’s engine. The brain is high performing, but it is so complex that it requires greater maintenance to continue to perform optimally. In general the brain is so active a minor variation in thoughts, behaviors, chemistry, and things can go wrong. Another theory is that the more you think the more you focus on the way that things should be. You see the negatives and a bothered by them. Focusing on the negative thought will eventually change brain chemistry and lead to depression. And yet another possibility is that life’s routine becomes boring and without challenge. Boredom can lead to depression. High IQ people like new and interesting stimulus. This constant need for stimulus is difficult to maintain. So I honestly believe that someone has it right when they said ” ignorance is bliss”.